Escape!
by saoirse09
Summary: Just a crazy little idea I had the other day. Saya and Yuma, Hisoka, some rope, and a dress, plus an SD card, an overly amused Tsuzuki, and an "evil" Watari. Hope you like it, please review!
1. Chapter 1

"Escape!"

A Yami no Matsuei fic

by Saoirse

Chapter One

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**Disclaimer**

Author: *sweetly* Hisoooooka!

Hisoka: *suspiciously* What?

Author: *brightly* Guess what? I'm not going to make a fuss about my disclaimer today. See? *holds up sign, reads*

"Yami no Matsuei does not belong to Saoirse, it belongs to Matsushita-sensei, as do all of the characters. Saoirse does own the plot, small and horrible as it may be."

*looks at Hisoka* There, all done! And you didn't even have to force it out of me!

Hisoka: *still wary* Okay. Why?

Author: *pouts* Don't you trust me, Hisoka?

Hisoka: No. Now, why are you being so agreeable today?

Author: *shakes head* Uh-uh. No way. You'd hurt me. I plead the Fifth!

Hisoka: *advances menacingly* Saoirse… What. Did. You. Do?

Author: *fidgets nervously* Well, if you must know… *whispers in his ear*

Hisoka: *blushing wrathfully* You did what now?!?!

Author: *obviously scared* I told you that you wouldn't like it.

Hisoka: *growls threateningly*

Author:*turns to audience nervously* Well, folks, I have to run now! Enjoy the show… er… story! *flees*

Hisoka: *yelling* Get back here, Saoirse! When I get my hands on you…! *gives chase*

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**Translations** (most of you should know these, but for those newbies among you, welcome to the fandom and here are translations of a few Japanese words I use)

Genki: enthusiastic, energetic, lively

Kagetsukai: one who can control shadows

Fuda: a piece of magic paper used in the spells done by the Shinigami

Baka: moron, idiot

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"Hisoooooka-kun!"

" 'soooooka-chan!!!!!!!!!!!"

Kurosaki Hisoka flinched. He knew those voices. Knew them all too well, in fact. And he was willing to bet they boded no good, at least for him. Reacting instinctively, Hisoka dove under his desk, attempting to hide from the maniacs storming his office. His partner, Tsuzuki Asato, knowing how much Hisoka disliked (read: feared) their visitors, merely laughed and prepared to distract them long enough for the younger Shinigami to make his getaway.

Not three seconds after Hisoka had successfully stuffed himself into the tiny space beneath his desk where his feet normally went (he was, thankfully, small enough to fit), two very blonde, very bubbly, seemingly harmless females burst into the room. But these were no ordinary Shinigami. No, these were Torii Saya and Fukiya Yuma, the Hokkaido-based Guardians of Death who insisted on using Hisoka as a live clothing model, usually garbing him in the newest of popular female fashion. Was it really any wonder the wheat-haired teen presently hiding under his desk was so afraid of them?

Unfortunately, the big oaf he called his partner had a bit of a soft spot for Saya and Yuma, frequently indulging them in their little "obsession," if only to embarrass his younger coworker. ("But, 'soka," he would say in the high-pitched voice he frequently used to poke fun of Hisoka, "you look so adorable when you're blushing!") For some unknown reason, Tsuzuki took a wicked delight in teasing the boy he thought of as a younger brother. Of course, maybe it wasn't so unknown; older brothers are notoriously infamous for bullying younger siblings and having a marvelous time doing it! Fearing the worst, Hisoka attempted to empathically sense Tsuzuki's state of mind, hoping he wasn't feeling particularly kindly toward the two fiendish Shinigami today. He sighed, relieved, when he realized his partner was planning on deceiving them, and would ruthlessly use his deceptively innocent purple-eyed puppy dog pout if they didn't believe him.

"Tsuzuki-chan! Have you seen Hisoka?" asked Yuma, bouncing up and down with excitement at the prospect of playing dress up with her favorite "doll."

"Yeah!" piped in Saya. "We were sure he was just in here…" She trailed off, looking around the small office as if expecting her prey to be hiding behind the plant by the window.

Tsuzuki, who of course knew exactly where the fearful Hisoka was hiding, merely shrugged and replied, "I think he was heading for the break room. He looked a little pale, so I told him to go get something to eat. And, of course, I asked him to get something for me; I do hope he comes back soon, I'm hungry!" He ended this little speech with one of his typical whines, used most frequently when food was involved. Hisoka hoped desperately only he could detect the lies in Tsuzuki's voice, otherwise he was in for one horrible day.

Saya and Yuma giggled a silvery, tinkling, sinister sort of laugh, apparently accepting their friend's explanation. "Alright," they chorused, creepily in unison, "we'll just go see if we can find him there, then." And, much to Hisoka's surprise and relief, they left a mere five minutes after their dramatic entrance.

The teen waited a few moments more, determining that the two banshees did not intend to come bounding back in, before cautiously crawling out from under his desk. Stretching his arms over his head, he smiled gratefully at Tsuzuki and sincerely thanked him for not betraying him to the crazed blondes. "I don't know what I'd have done if they'd gotten their hands on me again. The last time was bad enough, I'm still having nightmares!" Hisoka closed his emerald eyes, grimacing at the horrifying memory. "And I'm not sure I've gotten all the pictures back from Watari yet!"

Tsuzuki grinned, knowing full well that Watari Yutaka, the genki scientist/doctor/whatever-he-really-was of the Shokan department, would never give up such good blackmail material, not while he was still hoping to use Hisoka as a guinea pig for his yet-to-be-discovered gender switching potion, at any rate. "Not a problem, 'soka-chan! I'd rather be on your good side than theirs any day; I have to work with you!"

Hisoka laughed, already knowing this was his partner's reason for lying to the girls, realizing he should be offended, finding it amusing nevertheless, and started packing up his things. "Tsuzuki, you've been really helpful today, but could I ask you one more favor?"

"Sure," replied the chocolate-haired Shinigami, happy to help if it kept him from his friend's wrath.

"If Tatsumi asks where I am, could you tell him I went home sick and I'll call as soon as possible to explain?"

Tsuzuki blanched a little at facing the Shokan department's secretary and resident kagetsukai, Tatsumi Seiichiro (those shadows can be darn scary!), but nodded. Hisoka smiled at Tsuzuki's reaction and reminded him that all he had to do to lessen any rage Tatsumi might have at the younger man's absence was pull a full puppy dog pout. The cold and slightly intimidating man melted like butter whenever Tsuzuki turned the full power of that amethyst gaze upon him. The older Shinigami brightened at the thought and waved cheerily as Hisoka left the office, already turning back to his work (well, procrastinating his work, to be precise).

As Hisoka expected to meet little to no resistance to his departure, he was shocked when four hands yanked him from his intended path just as he turned the corner in the hallway. Too stunned to react, he could only stare fearfully at the two he thought he had avoided. 'Knew it was too easy,' he thought. 'Darn it!'

"Thought you could get away from us, did you, 'soka-chan?" Yuma grinned malevolently (or so it seemed to her victim, who also expected her to cackle madly) and answered the unspoken question on Hisoka's face. "How did we know Tsuzuki was lying? Easy. There's no way he'd send you to get him food. He'd go to the break room with you." Then, turning to her partner with a look of unholy delight, she asked, "Saya, do you have the rope?"

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Author: *out of breath* Well, that's the end of chapter one, folks! You're probably figuring out by now why Hisoka's chasing me all over the darn fic. It's getting really tiring. *sighs sadly*

Hisoka: *comes up behind author silently, taps her on shoulder*

Author: *spins around, terrified* Yikes! *to audience* Um, gotta go, guys! See you in chapter two! *flees*

Hisoka: *running after her* Saoirse!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Stop this instant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


	2. Chapter 2

"Escape!"

A Yami no Matsuei fic

by Saoirse

Chapter Two

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**Disclaimer**

Author: *tiredly* Just read the beginning of chapter one if you want to be entertained by the disclaimer, I'm too tired from running away from Hisoka to write a new one. Short version: I don't own anything. Same goes for any translations you require, just check chapter one. *glances over shoulder warily* But I better go now, or he'll catch up again! Enjoy the story! See ya! *runs away*

Hisoka: *just missing author* Darn, I missed her again! *begins running again*

* * *

Three hours later, Hisoka was sick and tired of being forced to play dress-up with the girls (and that's the understatement of the year, considering the lengths he usually goes to just to stay away from them!). He had been tied up, stripped down, and put against his will into all number of horrifyingly pink and feminine articles of clothing. His face burned at the mere memory of what Saya and Yuma had dressed him in, turning an even deeper shade of red when he remembered that Yuma had brought her camera along. 'I'll have to find it, somehow, and destroy the evidence. I can't imagine what Watari would do if he ever got his hands on those pictures!'

But now he was going to do something about it; he wasn't going to just sit still and take it, he was going to escape! He wasn't sure if anyone had ever gotten away from the maniacs before, but he was certainly going to make an attempt. Unfortunately, putting his getaway off for three hours had been as forced as the clothing because he hadn't had a chance to sneak away before; Saya and Yuma kept him under close observation nearly the whole time. If one was out of the room, the other didn't leave until the first came back; if they had to leave together, it was only for a few minutes and they tied him up tighter before exiting. Not only that, but they had taken all necessary precautions by setting up a fuda barrier so no one (least of all Hisoka) could teleport in or out of their apartment. But a golden opportunity had arrived ten minutes ago when the Hokkaido Shinigami had run out of dresses to put on him, and so had left, binding him more securely and promising to "return soon with more marvelous costumes for precious 'soka-chan!" The very thought made him sick. 'But now is not the time!' he thought, more determined than ever to make his getaway. 'They're gone and they forgot the cardinal rule of tying someone up: never leave them within reach of a knife!' Saya and Yuma had forgotten to search him for any means of escape. Gleefully, he reached into his shoe and pulled out his pocket knife, then began hacking through the ropes binding him hand and foot.

Since Hisoka really didn't have much practice at hacking through ropes, it took him several long minutes before the ropes finally fell away. Rubbing his wrists and ankles to get the blood circulating (Saya and Yuma tied those ropes tight!) and stowing his knife away again, he headed toward the door, praying it wasn't locked. By some miracle, the fiends had forgotten this little detail, too, probably trusting to their tying skills and fuda magic. Cautiously reaching out with his empathy, making sure no one was on the other side of the door, waiting to pounce on him (that had happened once too often already today), he opened it slowly and peeked into the main room of the apartment. 'Phew, no one's there,' he thought, in relief. 'Now, where might that camera be…?'

His emerald eyes scanned the room carefully so as not to miss the telltale silver glint of the evil machine that held proof of this nightmare. When his eyes landed on the table, and there sat the camera, he let out a triumphant whoop and hurried over. Not wanting to waste any time deleting the pictures while he was still in danger of recapture, Hisoka pulled out the SD card and put it in his shoe, with the knife. 'I'll take care of this later, when I'm safe from those dress-crazed maniacs!'

The evidence in his possession, he headed for the door. Again he cautiously checked for any sign of life on the other side before furtively slinking from the apartment, down the stairs, and out the front door of the building. And he was just in time, too; immediately after he whipped out of sight around the corner, Saya and Yuma walked up, carrying four large shopping bags and cackling insanely (well, giggling, really, but it sounded like cackling to Hisoka). Grinning in satisfaction, he began moving quickly toward his own apartment. Once there, he would double bolt his door, destroy the SD card and the horrors it contained, and settle down to a well deserved break.

Meanwhile, back at work, Tsuzuki was extremely worried. Hisoka had left over three hours ago and hadn't called like he said he would. Moreover, no one had seen Saya and Yuma since early this morning, after they had barged into his office looking for the wheat-haired teen, a fact that was highly suspicious. Earlier, Tatsumi had told Tsuzuki not to worry, that Hisoka was just fine, probably he'd fallen asleep like he was wont to do when he didn't feel well (Tsuzuki hadn't told the secretary about the threat of the Hokkaido Shinigami). When the kagetsukai came to check on his friend a little while later, he saw the concern in his amethyst eyes and gave him permission to go look for his partner, knowing any work Tsuzuki did at present would be even worse than his usual. Leaving the room with a hurried, "Thanks, Tatsumi!" the chocolate-haired Shinigami ran nearly the whole way to Hisoka's apartment, deciding to check there first, just in case Hisoka really had fallen asleep without remembering to call Tatsumi and explain. 'Which is categorically unlikely, but there's no need to go jumping to conclusions, is there?'

Upon arriving at the apartment, Tsuzuki's worst fears were substantiated; even from the outside, the place seemed empty of any living thing. 'Still,' he thought, 'I'd better just have a look around, make sure I'm not mistaken.' So, grabbing the extra key Hisoka kept protected by a fuda underneath his welcome mat (though it wasn't very welcoming, not really), Tsuzuki let himself in and began hunting for his partner.

At around that same time Tsuzuki was completing his search, Hisoka finally reached his apartment building, desperate for the safety offered by his rooms. But today was just not his day, apparently, because as soon as he rounded a corner in the hallway, he noticed that his door was wide open. Fearing the worst, that Saya and Yuma and somehow managed to head him off and arrive before he did, he crept stealthily towards his door and snuck inside quietly. Seeing no one, but definitely not prepared to take that as proof that no one was there, he picked up the baseball bat he stored by the door, ditched his shoes, and silently began looking for his intruder. Suddenly, there was a noise from his bedroom and he tiptoed in that direction, bat held aloft. Much to his surprise, when he peered around the door frame, he saw his own partner looking in his closet, as if trying to find something. Relaxing a lot, he decided to play a bit of a joke on his friend. Quietly, oh so quietly, Hisoka snuck up behind Tsuzuki and tapped him on the shoulder.

At the unexpected contact, the chocolate-haired man let out a yelp and jumped about a foot in the air. Spinning around to confront his attacker, he was shocked to see a snickering Hisoka. But his shock quickly turned into amusement as he took in the full picture of his partner.

Frowning at this odd reaction, Hisoka displayed his usual (and, today, justified) bad temper. "What the heck are you laughing about, baka?"

Barely able to choke out a response, he was laughing so hard, Tsuzuki simply pointed at the teen and said between breathless laughs, "Look down."

Hisoka did. And nearly died a second time from mortification. For when he looked down, all he saw was miles of soft pink, lace, and frills. Horrified beyond belief ('How could I have forgotten I was wearing _this_??????'), he wished he could just will himself through the floor. Or to disappear (which couldn't happen as a Shinigami can see another Shinigami in spirit form).

His face a burning crimson, Hisoka took his humiliation out on the only person within reach. "Stop laughing, baka! It's not funny! Get out of my apartment!"

But Tsuzuki, who had been calming down, took one look at the fuming, red-faced, pink-clothed teen and began howling with laughter once more.

The wheat-haired Shinigami had had enough. First he was abducted by two blonde demonesses, then he was subjected to the world's worst torture, and now his partner, someone he thought he could trust, was laughing at him like there was no tomorrow. Green eyes flashing, he raised the baseball bat high in the air and let it fly at Tsuzuki's head. The resulting CRACK! made him smile with satisfaction.

Unfortunately, the blow had been strong enough to knock the older man to the ground, but not to knock him out. So the chocolate-haired Shinigami lay on the floor, amethyst eyes sparkling with mirth, alternately giggling and gasping for breath. Frustrated and humiliated, Hisoka began rolling, shoving, and kicking his prone, sniggering partner out of his bedroom. Having successfully completed this, the wheat-haired teen retreated into his room and slammed the door.

Silenced momentarily by the loud noise, Tsuzuki looked back at the bedroom door, thinking that perhaps he ought to go apologize. 'Hisoka can hold a grudge for years, after all.' But at the thought of his partner outfitted in pink lacy frills, Tsuzuki collapsed again in helpless laughter.

Amidst all the hilarity, wrath, and overall chaos, no one, neither the sulking teen nor the giggling man, noticed that the door was still open, let alone that a tiny grey ball of fluff had zoomed in, stopping momentarily above Hisoka's shoes before flitting out again. In the hallway, the little owl circled her master's head, hooting happily, and then dropped a small rectangle of black plastic into his outstretched hand.

A slow, devious smile crept onto Watari Yutaka's face as he closed his fingers over the SD card. "Thank you, 003. I'm sure Saya and Yuma will be wanting this. And it'll make marvelous blackmail material to use on Bon when I finally perfect my potion!" Laughing maniacally, the mad scientist strode out of the building and out of sight, white lab coat and long blonde hair whipping in the wind (you know, the one that springs up to accompany all evil plots and their formulators).

_**Fin

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Author: *out of breath* Well, guys, I hope you liked the story. Please, please review, as I'm paying pretty dearly for this one. *glances over shoulder nervously* Uh-oh. I think I'd better be going now. *runs off*

Hisoka: *zooms past chasing author, yelling* Saoirse, get back here! You got some 'splainin' to do!

Tsuzuki (unnoticed until now): *blinks* Okay then. Looks like I need to go restrain my partner before he hurts the writer. See you guys later! *waves cheerily before following Hisoka*


End file.
